I kept pulling out my phone, pressing the home button then quickly tossing the phone back in my bag.
“What are you checking for?”
“Nothing, I’m just checking the time.”
My mom didn’t press the issue or anything; though she did glance at the watch on my wrist.
“Ok if you say so.”
This is what 2016 felt like to me. Always checking and always hoping for something that just didn’t happen or wasn’t meant to be. My self esteem took a beating, I lost my mind and also lost some friends who probably didn’t deserve my friendship in the first place.
I feel like I’ve done so much waiting and took so many L’s that 2017 has to bring about good things. I’m not going to be too pushy about it though. I don’t want 2017 to kick my ass like its predecessor so here’s to hoping that 2017 is gentle with me. A girl can only take so much.
*disclaimer: 2016 wasn’t all bad. I got my big girl promotion, I got rid of some baggage, made a great new friend and learned so much about myself. I even got to spend the holidays with my family for the first time in years. I felt low a lot of 2016 but it makes me think of this quote I saw somewhere:
“Sometimes we fall down because there is something down there that we’re supposed to find.”
I hope 2016 taught you guys something and I wish nothing but progress for the new year!
This was the year I lost myself. The year I picked up a pen and left it all on paper. The year I cried until the tears dried up. The year I smiled a little harder at strangers. The year I found comfort in the unknown. The year I unpacked all the hurt and sent it away. The year my heart slowed down to a reasonable pace. The year I sat in my sadness. The year that felt like war. The year I was surrounded by love. The year I blossomed into a woman that will not settle. The year I was found. It’s all here. Two thousand sixteen wasn’t always good to me but boy did she teach me so many lessons.
It’s been a little quiet around here lately and for that I do apologize. I’m simply having a bit of time management issues juggling self care, my big girl job and running a blog. As soon as I begin to think “yes! I finally got this adulting thing down,” the universe hits me with a curve ball and throws my whole agenda off. I’m still here though.
The other night I was on tumblr and I saw a post that made me really start thinking. I can’t remember the exact wording of it, but it addressed body image. It went something like, “Imagine being born into a body and just liking that body; feeling at home inside of it. Feeling like it’s yours. People like that exist. What is that like?”
Gyms are intimidating but I finally did it. After months of going back and forth, I cracked down and purchased a gym membership. I signed the dotted line on my contract and began mentally listing my fitness goals; Toned arms, legs of steel and a butt to die for. But behind the excitement was a little voice of doubt.
“Do I know what I’m doing?”
“Am I going to stick to this?”
“Will I see results?”
My aunt is one of my favorite people to vent to. She allows me to complain, comforts me, but also reminds me that things can be a lot worse. She would say, “Manta, The universe is trying to teach you something. Be grateful and listen to it.”
Lately I’ve just been going through the same motions; work, eat, stress over finding time to complete a task from my to do list, sleep and repeat. Most evenings I would lay in bed and think where did the day go?! It’s like I’ve been on cruise control or autopilot. And don’t even get me started on linking up with friends. Life is such a blur sometimes that if we do find time to chat, I dread that one question: What have you been up to? How do I make my life not sound so monotonous!?
This morning I had a rough start. It took me much longer than usual to get out of bed and even after I got the ball rolling, I couldn’t stay on task. Nothing in particular was wrong but anxiety doesn’t always need a concrete reason to flare up. It made me think really hard about happiness; What it looks like to me and what I need to do in order to consistently feel it. We’ve all heard that one saying before. Happiness is a choice. Unfortunately, knowing that bit of information isn’t always enough. You have to be aware of the negative behavior or thoughts that are holding you back from happiness. So without further ado, here’s three things I’m letting go to make room for more happiness.
A couple of nights ago, I was scrolling through the events tab on Facebook. Normally I just like to poke around and see what’s going on near me. I never usually attend anything, but one event caught my attention. There’s a coloring club that meets three nights a month at the local Urban Chestnut for brews, coloring and stress relief. Before I could talk myself out of going, I went to the the event page, bought a ticket for the coloring club and patiently waited until Tuesday.
This year is going by incredibly fast and April is no different. This was a month of growth and independence. I went a lot of places alone. I tried new foods and opened myself up to exploring the city. This was a month of loss and facing my fears head on. I’ve spent a lot of time auditing my relationships and thinking “What value does this person bring to my life?”
I’ve backed away from some friends and found support in the unlikeliest of places. Who knew my team members loved me so much!?(I mean, I think I’m great but I’m not always sure if other people can see my light) I learned a lot about what is really important to me. Snuggles with Cat. Phone calls with my boy. Encouraging text messages. Crossing off things from my personal goal list.
I faced set backs but used them to find new purpose. (Hey promotion!) I feel alive and so full of love. I am finally living my truth and growing into the woman I am suppose to be. I’m thankful for all April has brought to me.
I plan to continue this upward transition through May. I want to be more spontaneous and adventurous. I’ve been making an effort to say yes to opportunities placed in front of me rather than turning them down out of fear. I want to continue taking better care of me. I’m going back to therapy. I’m writing again. I’m letting myself be free to do what feels right to me. May, I’m ready for ya!
How was your April? What are your goals for May?
It’s been a bit of a ghost town here as of late and I apologize! I’ve felt so guilty about leaving my blog on the back burner while I handle personal matters, but I’m still here guys and with an update! A couple of weeks back, I talked about feeling overwhelmed with figuring out my next move and what I’m doing with my life. I have all these dreams and goals. There’s so many things I feel like I am good at, but I felt so flustered trying to figure out which path I should pursue. I decided to bite the bullet and jump at an opportunity that was presented to me and your girl is officially an ATL at my Whole Foods Market.
It’s a really big deal because I was full of doubts. Am I ready for this position? Do I have what it takes? Am I emotionally stable enough to handle the stress that can come from a leadership position such as this one? I was constantly comparing myself and my progress to the other candidates. At the end of the day, it was my team members who vouched for me and encouraged me to blossom into this leadership position. I am so excited but most of all, I have never felt so cared for and supported by a group of people I work with. I am so thankful. So so thankful and ready to take on this challenge.