I’ve never hurt myself. I thought therapy was reserved for people with real problems. Why should I seek professional help over a couple of bad days or weeks? I went to work and I got things done. Ya girl was fully functioning; I wasn’t like the people I’d see on tv with depression. But the first lie depression told me was I wasn’t depressed.
A couple days ago I was scrolling through instagram. While browsing the explore page I noticed a familiar face and my stomach dropped. Immediately I remembered what went down; the hurtful words that were said, the lack of concern for my feelings and I got annoyed.
You can’t open a magazine without being bombarded by ads about hair. Cleaning it, changing it, or maintaining it. But this post is about body hair and our obsession with removing it. Let’s just face it, western culture has a really unhealthy relationship with body hair.
I’ve been reading a lot of books with themes that touch on confidence and inadequacy. Lately, my levels of both seem to fluctuate and vary by day. I was in a yoga class one evening and it hit me. I have lived with myself for twenty seven years. For twenty seven years I’ve been strong. I’ve been caring, resilient and lovable. I know these things to be true. So why am I so caught up in what anyone else thinks?
*Dusts off cobwebs from my blog*
I was doing so good y’all. I started the year off right, making regular posts and then bam! Life happened. Sorry its been a ghost town here. A lot of things happened last month.
There were jobs I applied to/worked hard to prepare for and didn’t get. I had a 10 day work week at my current job. I felt like the walking dead. I’ve been studying for this certification. Basically I have a lot on my plate, but the most exciting thing to happen last month was my sister in law’s baby shower. I’m going to be an auntie!
My brother is having his first child and the whole fam is going nuts. My mom has been asking about grand children for years and I’m pretty sure she’s more excited than my brother’s wife. Honestly though, it was a relief to be surrounded by family and not worry about work, bills or any other stressors. That little break was good for me. I feel like I’m in such a better place than I was in March. I promise I wont leave y’all hanging like that again.
I remember growing up and being excited for Valentine’s Day. My dad would take me to the drug store and I’d pick out the perfect valentine card set for my class. I also couldn’t leave my teacher out. Or the class aid. Or the bus driver. I made sure to spread the love all around.
If we fast forward to the present, you’ll find that I’m still that little girl that wants to spread the love all around. But something happened with my peers where they began to loathe Valentine’s Day. Around the beginning of February, I notice people were getting really cynical.
I’m gonna be pretty frank. I’ve never been graceful. I’m quite the awkward mess actually. Sometimes I jokingly say I have the type of beauty that moves because I feel like pictures don’t capture me well. What do I do with my body? How do I pose? *strikes a pose and feels uncomfortable* How do I look?
Let me preface this by saying sometimes I have a tendency of focusing on the bad and not uplifting the good. When I reread my last post, which was sort of a good riddance to 2016, I felt like it was so negative. Yes, 2016 was complete trash and I’m glad to see it go but some good things happened too!
I kept pulling out my phone, pressing the home button then quickly tossing the phone back in my bag.
“What are you checking for?”
“Nothing, I’m just checking the time.”
My mom didn’t press the issue or anything; though she did glance at the watch on my wrist.
“Ok if you say so.”
This is what 2016 felt like to me. Always checking and always hoping for something that just didn’t happen or wasn’t meant to be. My self esteem took a beating, I lost my mind and also lost some friends who probably didn’t deserve my friendship in the first place.
I feel like I’ve done so much waiting and took so many L’s that 2017 has to bring about good things. I’m not going to be too pushy about it though. I don’t want 2017 to kick my ass like its predecessor so here’s to hoping that 2017 is gentle with me. A girl can only take so much.
*disclaimer: 2016 wasn’t all bad. I got my big girl promotion, I got rid of some baggage, made a great new friend and learned so much about myself. I even got to spend the holidays with my family for the first time in years. I felt low a lot of 2016 but it makes me think of this quote I saw somewhere:
“Sometimes we fall down because there is something down there that we’re supposed to find.”
I hope 2016 taught you guys something and I wish nothing but progress for the new year!
This was the year I lost myself. The year I picked up a pen and left it all on paper. The year I cried until the tears dried up. The year I smiled a little harder at strangers. The year I found comfort in the unknown. The year I unpacked all the hurt and sent it away. The year my heart slowed down to a reasonable pace. The year I sat in my sadness. The year that felt like war. The year I was surrounded by love. The year I blossomed into a woman that will not settle. The year I was found. It’s all here. Two thousand sixteen wasn’t always good to me but boy did she teach me so many lessons.