Getting Out Of Autopilot and Other Discoveries

autopilot ivyarum

Lately I’ve just been going through the same motions; work, eat, stress over finding time to complete a task from my to do list, sleep and repeat. Most evenings I would lay in bed and think where did the day go?! It’s like I’ve been on cruise control or autopilot. And don’t even get me started on linking up with friends. Life is such a blur sometimes that if we do find time to chat, I dread that one question: What have you been up to? How do I make my life not sound so monotonous!?

Then it happened. Sometimes you need something big to knock you out of autopilot. For me, it was the passing of my grandmother. My mom told me the news last Wednesday while I was in the midst of planning the work week. Immediately I thought of how long it’s been since I called my granny and the last conversation we had. I know she’s been sick for awhile but for some reason I always believed I had more time to see her. Last summer I put it off because of my promotion. Last winter I put it off because I was too lazy to renew my passport. This was my wake up call.

Though I am still mourning and I get these random crying spells when I think about everything that’s happened in the last week, I’ve rearranged my priorities and I feel like I’m getting back to what is important to me. I have a bad habit of putting my personal goals to the side to handle work related issues and now I’m questioning why. Especially if this isn’t my forever career.

I’m thinking more about what I need. I’m in the process of putting the vision of what I want out of life onto paper. It’s still a little foggy in some areas, but I have specific goals down and the steps required to achieve these goals. Life doesn’t just happen to you and I’m making more of an effort to be deliberate, be present and shape every aspect of it into what I want it to be. I miss my grandma everyday but I feel like she’s watching over me and I feel like she’s proud.

You only get one life to live and just going through the motions day in and day out while on autopilot is not the best way to live it. Have you ever experienced a loss that sort of “woke you up”?

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5 Comments

  1. It’s been a long time since someone really immediate passed away but this year hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized that it would make 9 years since my grandmother passed away. I’ve been running from visiting her resting place for years. The level of anxiety that I experienced the last time I passed made it more of a reason to not go back. But I put my big girl pants on and bought my ticket to Jamaica. I celebrated my 27th birthday, but it was really to say hello to my old lady. I cried, and it was the best tears I’ve cried. Sometimes you need to be reminded that life isn’t promised, make time for the people you love, and make time for yourself. It’s been a good start to the year so far, if time permits, I’ll say hello again next year.

    1. I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother:/ My grandmother is Jamaican too and I already know once I’m at the funeral and I see her one last time, I’m going to ugly cry. I’m trying to look at the positive though. I lost my grandma but my family is coming together to celebrate her life. Family I havent seen in ages( some I’ve never met at all) Life is short forreal and I’m appreciating every moment from here forth. Thanks for reading!

  2. I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. For me, loss or tragedy of some sort happens more often than not and I think I end up on autopilot because of it. That way I don’t have to feel a thing. I don’t think I do it on purpose, it just happens. But you’re absolutely right in saying that life doesn’t just happen to you. I’ve been focusing on myself and what I want out of the little time I have left here. Here’s to a fulfilled, intentional life!

  3. The loss of my mother really took a toll on me but it also made me really start living my life and enjoying it. It’s still so hard to go through life without her, but we are thriving the best way we can.

    I’m so, so sorry about your loss, but I will say this: Make sure you cry when you need to cry and smile when you need to smile. Whatever you are feeling, express however you are able to. I’ll be praying for your strength during this time.

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